Every year as winter approaches i take stock of my world around me. i search for the value and meaning in the things i do. the thought of my actions or my very existence being meaningless disturbs me. there is a deep down ingrained motivation to my actions. that if i can achive some form of greatness then this time in this reality is some how justified. perhaps there is no great discoverys left to be made perhaps everything has been thought and were all just recycling boring old ideas from thousands of years ago and humanity as a whole has just been to stupid to remember or record them. its a hard thing to feel that ones actions could or are meaningless. but if i go into the thought that nothing matters then what is left? if nothing i do matters and nothing i create can count for anything then what is there in this existance? i was exploring just being just enjoy the world and people around me but it felt so hollow and repetitive. i tried living for pleasures of the flesh but that was even more hollow. i've lived through others made beautiful girls and their lives my everything and then when they were gone i had nothing. i cant help but believe there is a greater reason to existing maybe not for everyone but i feel that i'm meant to do something more

some far away voice tells me that there is reason and that there is a change that will happen it just wont tell me how or when. so on the faith of this voice i will keep going i will keep creating and learning a hope that it all make sense and that maybe it will all count for something. some days its harder to hear this voice than others